29 February 2016

Shit My Toddler Says

I'm no expert (that's for damn sure) but toddlers have got to be some of the most blunt individuals on the planet! For the most part I find Mallory's candor to be downright hysterical. I mean, I regularly have to remind myself that I'm supposed to actually parent this small person, not just laugh and enjoy the 2 year old hosted comedy hour.

Listen to this shit...


In the throws of our move to post, I naturally had to spend a bit more time on the phone than usual. Mallory made her displeasure with this apparent by spittin' my mommin' game right back at me...

"Mommy Woodward! Listen a me!"

Recently Michael has been working on using the little push walker thing. I pulled Mallory into my lap and said "let watch Mikey walk!" She apparently thought my suggestion was quite funny as through her cackling she said...

"Nooooo, wets watch Mikey fall down!!"


One particularly lovely morning, around 5am, I went and collected a very awake little girl from her crib and zombie walked it down to the kitchen. As I was prepping my coffee and answering the first 50 toddler questions of the day, Mallory arduously grabs my cheeks and with a pained look on her face asks...

"Mommy brush teeth today?"


Michael was recently upgraded to a convertible seat and thanks to updated carseat safety statistics, Mallory was downgraded back to rear-facing. On one of the first car rides with our new arrangement, through the screaming and fit throwing, Mallory demanded

"Mikey NO look at Mally's cars! Look at Mikey's cars."
 (Look out your own damn window bro!)

Just a week or so ago, Mallory so astutely after nearly a year of watching me breastfeed her brother caught a glimpse of my stretch marks. With her signature look of pure repulsion and shock, she asks...

 "Dats dat Mommy?! Mommy got owie?"


And on that note--Mommy out!

PS. She is a for hire food critic if you dare you're interested!

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